Friday, May 9th, 2014

BY David Raether, Head Writer

We’ve worked our way through four of the irritating conference call types you’ll inevitably meet.  Let’s do a quick review:

1. The Repeating Everything Everyone Else Already Said Guy

2. The Irrelevant Topics Gal

3.  The Completely Unrelated Anecdote Guy

4.  The Hello?  Is Thing Working?  Hello? Gal

Pretty annoying bunch, aren’t they?  Well, I’ve got a couple more subspecies to go into today.

First up, The Wait, I Didn’t Get That Document Gal.  This subspecies also goes by another name: The Big Fat Liar.  This woman never seems to receive that one key document you need to come to a decision in this conference call.

Does this sound familiar?

CALLER #1: Okay, now let’s take a look at what we’re proposing for pricing.

WAIT, I DIDN’T GET THAT DOCUMENT GAL: I’m sorry. I didn’t seem to get that document.

CALLER #1: We emailed it to you last week.

WIDGTDG: I’ve been having problems with my email server.  I don’t think arrived.

CALLER #1: But we had an “Acknowledge receipt before opening” routine on the email.

WIDGTDG: My assistant must have opened it.  I just don’t have a copy.

CALLER #1: Well, we also FedExed it.  And you signed for it.

WIDGTDG: Not my signature.

CALLER #1: And then we had it messangered to you.

WIDGTDG: I’m sorry, but I don’t remember signing for it.

CALLER #1: That’s why we had a photo taken of you signing for it.

WIDGTDG: That’s my twin sister.

CALLER #1: You’re just a big fat liar, aren’t you?

(Long silence.)

WIDGTDG: Perhaps.

As we have seen, the lengths this person will go to to deny having the document in question are extraordinary and constantly defeat your best efforts.  And now, finally, there is a solution: Screen sharing. You click the screen sharing button on your UberConference call menu. Voila, there it is. Right there staring her in the face. She can’t deny she got it or blame someone else for losing it. All she can do at this point is hang up and go away.  And then you’ve won.

We now move on to one of the most irritating Conference Call types: The Youth Sports Fanatic Dad.  First of all, let me be clear: I think that women athletes are tremendous.  One of my favorite sports to watch is the NCAA Women’s Softball Championships.  Incredibly exciting and fascinating contests played at very high level of athleticism and skill and intrigue.

On the other hand, there is only thing duller and more painful than watching nine year-old girls play softball: listening to one of the dads talk about it. There you on a conference call trying to get some business done and this guy is describing in excruiating detail a sequence of pitches that his daughter, Bethany, fouled off until she hit “this rocket just over the second base girls’ head” and drove home three runs in the bottom of the fourth.

Your brain is searing from the pain of listening to this, isn’t it? You’ve heard this guy go on and on, as if the game between the Pink Cheetahs (Bethany’s team) and the Blue Girlie Girls on Saturday was a battle between the very forces of good and evil in the universe.

The basic question to pose to this guy: Could you please, in the name of all that is holy, stop talking about Bethany’s softball team?

Fortunately, UberConference provides a solution: Mute. You can mute this guy. Just tell him if says one more word about nine year-old girls softball, you’re going to mute him.

“But the ump–

Mute is hit and the conference call goes forward.