(INT. BEVERLY HILLS LAW OFFICE CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY)
An ATTORNEY sits alone in an immense conference room of a law office in front of computer. On the screen is an UberConference call and the faces of FOUR PEOPLE on the screen: GARY, BECKY, VERNON, and ANTOINE.
ATTORNEY
Okay, everyone, welcome to the official sale of the Los Angeles Clippers basketball club. As you will recall, this is an open auction with no minimum.
BECKY
Excuse me?
ATTORNEY
Yes, Becky?
BECKY
“Basketball club?” What is that about?
ATTORNEY
Our firm has been hired to conduct an auction of the Los Angeles Clippers basketball club. What is your question?
BECKY
Oh. I see. Because I thought this was for a pair of hedge clippers. I saw this ad on Craigslist and they said I should call this number. Did I dial the wrong number?
ATTORNEY
No. You dialed correctly. This is the number we had in the Craigslist ad. Would you like participate in the auction?
BECKY
Well, I was really just looking for something to trim my hedges…
ATTORNEY
I’d be willing to throw in a nice set of hedge clippers myself if you win the bidding.
BECKY
But I don’t know if I really want a basketball team…
VERNON
(interrupting)
Can we get this started? I have to leave for work pretty soon.
Attorney clicks on Vernon’s image on the UberConference screen and goes to his Facebook page. We see a burly and jovial-looking guy in a security guard uniform.
ATTORNEY
We’ll start right now, Vernon. How’s the warehouse you’ve been guarding?
VERNON
Fine. So, uh, listen, here’s my bid. I happen to have a pallet of video games I’m willing to trade for the Clippers.
We HEAR loud movie sounds on the call.
VERNON
What is that?!
ATTORNEY
It’s coming from Gary. Gary?
GARY
Yeah.
ATTORNEY
What is that noise?
GARY
I’m watching “Space Jam.”
ATTORNEY
Can you turn it off, please?
GARY
No, this is the good part.
VERNON
There is no good part in “Space Jam.”
ATTORNEY
Gary, I’m going to mute you for now.
Attorney mutes Gary on the conference call.
ATTORNEY
So, Vernon, you are offering a pallet of video games in exchange for the Los Angeles Clippers.
VERNON
Yup. Classics from the 1990s. In the original packaging.
ATTORNEY
Any estimate on the value?
VERNON
Fifty. Maybe sixty bucks. Solid.
ATTORNEY
Okay, let’s see what Gary has to offer.
Attorney unmutes Gary and the movie is blasting away. He quickly mutes Gary again.
ATTORNEY
Let’s get back to Gary. Antoine, what are you offering?
ANTOINE
A deadly ten foot jump shot. Deadly.
ATTORNEY
Okay. Ummm. Why would we want that?
ANTOINE
Well, uh, who doesn’t want a guy with a deadly accurate ten-foot jump shot?
ATTORNEY
You want to play for the Clippers?
ANTOINE
Of course. I’ve been working out for the past three weeks. I broke a guy’s ankle the other day doing a crossover.
ATTORNEY
You did?
ANTOINE
Well, I broke his ankle after I tried to do a crossover and tripped and fell on his ankle. But you get the point.
ATTORNEY
The thing of it is, Antoine, the Clippers don’t really have a basketball team anymore. The owner refused to sell so the league shut the club down.
ANTOINE
Oh. I guess I missed that. Well, then I’m gonna pass.
ATTORNEY
Fair enough. Let me check on Gary again.
He unmutes Gary and the movie is still blasting away.
GARY
(to himself)
Marvin the Martian.
Attorney hangs up on Gary.
VERNON
That pallet of video games is starting look pretty good right now, isn’t it?
(Attorney sighs.)
ATTORNEY
Do you have any copies of Super Mario World?
VERNON
One hundred and sixty three copies. Never been used.
ATTORNEY
Sold!