Friday, May 2nd, 2014

BY David Raether, Head Writer

(INT. BEVERLY HILLS LAW OFFICE CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY)

An ATTORNEY sits alone in an immense conference room of a law office in front of computer. On the screen is an UberConference call and the faces of FOUR PEOPLE on the screen: GARY, BECKY, VERNON, and ANTOINE.

ATTORNEY

Okay, everyone, welcome to the official sale of the Los Angeles Clippers basketball club. As you will recall, this is an open auction with no minimum.

BECKY

Excuse me?

ATTORNEY

Yes, Becky?

BECKY

“Basketball club?” What is that about?

ATTORNEY

Our firm has been hired to conduct an auction of the Los Angeles Clippers basketball club. What is your question?

BECKY

Oh. I see. Because I thought this was for a pair of hedge clippers. I saw this ad on Craigslist and they said I should call this number. Did I dial the wrong number?

ATTORNEY

No. You dialed correctly. This is the number we had in the Craigslist ad. Would you like participate in the auction?

BECKY

Well, I was really just looking for something to trim my hedges…

ATTORNEY

I’d be willing to throw in a nice set of hedge clippers myself if you win the bidding.

BECKY

But I don’t know if I really want a basketball team…

VERNON

(interrupting)

Can we get this started? I have to leave for work pretty soon.

Attorney clicks on Vernon’s image on the UberConference screen and goes to his Facebook page. We see a burly and jovial-looking guy in a security guard uniform.

ATTORNEY

We’ll start right now, Vernon. How’s the warehouse you’ve been guarding?

VERNON

Fine. So, uh, listen, here’s my bid. I happen to have a pallet of video games I’m willing to trade for the Clippers.

We HEAR loud movie sounds on the call.

VERNON

What is that?!

ATTORNEY

It’s coming from Gary.  Gary?

GARY

Yeah.

ATTORNEY

What is that noise?

GARY

I’m watching “Space Jam.”

ATTORNEY

Can you turn it off, please?

GARY

No, this is the good part.

VERNON

There is no good part in “Space Jam.”

ATTORNEY

Gary, I’m going to mute you for now.

Attorney mutes Gary on the conference call.

ATTORNEY

So, Vernon, you are offering a pallet of video games in exchange for the Los Angeles Clippers.

VERNON

Yup.  Classics from the 1990s.  In the original packaging.

ATTORNEY

Any estimate on the value?

VERNON

Fifty.  Maybe sixty bucks.  Solid.

ATTORNEY

Okay, let’s see what Gary has to offer.

Attorney unmutes Gary and the movie is blasting away. He quickly mutes Gary again.

ATTORNEY

Let’s get back to Gary. Antoine, what are you offering?

ANTOINE

A deadly ten foot jump shot. Deadly.

ATTORNEY

Okay.  Ummm.  Why would we want that?

ANTOINE

Well, uh, who doesn’t want a guy with a deadly accurate ten-foot jump shot?

ATTORNEY

You want to play for the Clippers?

ANTOINE

Of course.  I’ve been working out for the past three weeks.  I broke a guy’s ankle the other day doing a crossover.

ATTORNEY

You did?

ANTOINE

Well, I broke his ankle after I tried to do a crossover and tripped and fell on his ankle. But you get the point.

ATTORNEY

The thing of it is, Antoine, the Clippers don’t really have a basketball team anymore.  The owner refused to sell so the league shut the club down.

ANTOINE

Oh.  I guess I missed that.  Well, then I’m gonna pass.

ATTORNEY

Fair enough.  Let me check on Gary again.

He unmutes Gary and the movie is still blasting away.

GARY

(to himself)

Marvin the Martian.

Attorney hangs up on Gary.

VERNON

That pallet of video games is starting look pretty good right now, isn’t it?

(Attorney sighs.)

ATTORNEY

Do you have any copies of Super Mario World?

VERNON

One hundred and sixty three copies.  Never been used.

ATTORNEY

Sold!